Joe Koenig
04-06-2014, 23:56
Ist es unangebracht eine Frau anzusprechen (bzgl. eines Dates) wenn sie vermeintlich wichtigeren Gedanken nachhängt? Selbst wenn ihr keine Antwort habt: Viel Spaß beim Lesen. Ich fand's interessant.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger’s-rapist-or-a-guy’s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/
Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide
to approaching strange women without being maced
Posted on October 8, 2009 by Sweet Machine
Phaedra Starling is the pen name of a romance novelist and
licensed private investigator living in small New York City
apartment with two large dogs. She practices Brazilian
jiu-jitsu and makes world-class apricot muffins.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gentlemen. Thank you for reading.
Let me start out by assuring you that I understand you are a
good sort of person. You are kind to children and animals.
You respect the elderly. You donate to charity. You tell
jokes without laughing at your own punchlines. You respect
women. You like women. In fact, you would really like to
have a mutually respectful and loving sexual relationship
with a woman. Unfortunately, you don’t yet know that
woman—she isn’t working with you, nor have you been
introduced through mutual friends or drawn to the same
activities. So you must look further afield to encounter
her.
So far, so good. Miss LonelyHearts, your humble instructor,
approves. Human connection, love, romance: there is nothing
wrong with these yearnings.
Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in
public. The first thing you need to understand is that women
are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are
strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be
killed or otherwise violently assaulted.
“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”
Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is
preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily
routine, rather than merely something you do when you
venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is. When I go
on a date, I always leave the man’s full name and contact
information written next to my computer monitor. This is so
the cops can find my body if I go missing. My best friend
will call or e-mail me the next morning, and I must answer
that call or e-mail before noon-ish, or she begins to worry.
If she doesn’t hear from me by three or so, she’ll call the
police. My activities after dark are curtailed. Unless I am
in a densely-occupied, well-lit space, I won’t go out alone.
Even then, I prefer to have a friend or two, or my dogs,
with me. Do you follow rules like these?
So when you, a stranger, approach me, I have to ask myself:
Will this man rape me?
Do you think I’m overreacting? One in every six American
women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I bet you
don’t think you know any rapists, but consider the sheer
number of rapes that must occur. These rapes are not all
committed by Phillip Garrido, Brian David Mitchell, or other
members of the Brotherhood of Scary Hair and Homemade
Religion. While you may assume that none of the men you know
are rapists, I can assure you that at least one is.
Consider: if every rapist commits an average of ten rapes (a
horrifying number, isn’t it?) then the concentration of
rapists in the population is still a little over one in
sixty. That means four in my graduating class in high
school. One among my coworkers. One in the subway car at
rush hour. Eleven who work out at my gym. How do I know that
you, the nice guy who wants nothing more than companionship
and True Love, are not this rapist?
I don’t.
When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s
Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I
won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me.
I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your
intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at
face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to
respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about
my personal safety.
Fortunately, you’re a good guy. We’ve already established
that. Now that you’re aware that there’s a problem, you are
going to go out of your way to fix it, and to make the women
with whom you interact feel as safe as possible.
To begin with, you must accept that I set my own risk
tolerance. When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate
the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is
never 0%. For some women, particularly women who have been
victims of violent assaults, any level of risk is
unacceptable. Those women do not want to be approached, no
matter how nice you are or how much you’d like to date them.
Okay? That’s their right. Don’t get pissy about it. Women
are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before
deciding they are not in the market to buy.
The second important point: you must be aware of what
signals you are sending by your appearance and the
environment. We are going to be paying close attention to
your appearance and behavior and matching those signs to our
idea of a threat.
This means that some men should never approach strange women
in public. Specifically, if you have truly unusual standards
of personal cleanliness, if you are the prophet of your own
religion, or if you have tattoos of gang symbols or
Technicolor cockroaches all over your face and neck, you are
just never going to get a good response approaching a woman
cold. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of solitude,
but I suggest you start with internet dating, where you can
put your unusual traits out there and find a woman who will
appreciate them.
Are you wearing a tee-shirt making a rape joke? NOT A GOOD
CHOICE—not in general, and definitely not when approaching a
strange woman.
Pay attention to the environment. Look around. Are you in a
dark alley? Then probably you ought not approach a woman and
try to strike up a conversation. The same applies if you are
alone with a woman in most public places. If the public
place is a closed area (a subway car, an elevator, a bus),
even a crowded one, you may not realize that the woman’s
ability to flee in case of threat is limited. Ask yourself,
“If I were dangerous, would this woman be safe in this space
with me?” If the answer is no, then it isn’t appropriate to
approach her.
On the other hand, if you are both at church accompanied by
your mothers, who are lifelong best friends, the woman is as
close as it comes to safe. That is to say, still not 100%
safe. But the odds are pretty good.
The third point: Women are communicating all the time. Learn
to understand and respect women’s communication to you.
You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will
she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty,
because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out
the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms
folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb.
So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you
like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a
reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a
threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume
that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm
or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.
If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without
looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but
please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be
“Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize
Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are
a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It
could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my
assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have
to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my
cover.”
On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye
contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner
when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You
can continue the conversation until you start getting
signals to back off.
The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you
label yourself a problem.
There’s a man with whom I went out on a single
date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July
25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about
fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I
e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate
response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable.
Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he
still e-mail?
Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.
This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man
with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of
nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail
has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants
something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual
rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly
Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s
Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty.
Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual
setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as
well.
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re
sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact
trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a
conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a
message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to
be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you
believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her
rights.
For women, who are watching you very closely to determine
how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of
data.
The fifth and last point: Don’t rape. Nor should you commit
these similar but less severe offenses: don’t assault. Don’t
grope. Don’t constrain. Don’t brandish. Don’t expose
yourself. Don’t threaten with physical violence. Don’t
threaten with sexual violence.
Shouldn’t this go without saying? Of course it should.
Sadly, that’s not the world I live in. You may be beginning
to realize that it’s not the world you live in, either.
Miss LonelyHearts wishes you happiness and success in your
search for romantic companionship.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger’s-rapist-or-a-guy’s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/
Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide
to approaching strange women without being maced
Posted on October 8, 2009 by Sweet Machine
Phaedra Starling is the pen name of a romance novelist and
licensed private investigator living in small New York City
apartment with two large dogs. She practices Brazilian
jiu-jitsu and makes world-class apricot muffins.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Gentlemen. Thank you for reading.
Let me start out by assuring you that I understand you are a
good sort of person. You are kind to children and animals.
You respect the elderly. You donate to charity. You tell
jokes without laughing at your own punchlines. You respect
women. You like women. In fact, you would really like to
have a mutually respectful and loving sexual relationship
with a woman. Unfortunately, you don’t yet know that
woman—she isn’t working with you, nor have you been
introduced through mutual friends or drawn to the same
activities. So you must look further afield to encounter
her.
So far, so good. Miss LonelyHearts, your humble instructor,
approves. Human connection, love, romance: there is nothing
wrong with these yearnings.
Now, you want to become acquainted with a woman you see in
public. The first thing you need to understand is that women
are dealing with a set of challenges and concerns that are
strange to you, a man. To begin with, we would rather not be
killed or otherwise violently assaulted.
“But wait! I don’t want that, either!”
Well, no. But do you think about it all the time? Is
preventing violent assault or murder part of your daily
routine, rather than merely something you do when you
venture into war zones? Because, for women, it is. When I go
on a date, I always leave the man’s full name and contact
information written next to my computer monitor. This is so
the cops can find my body if I go missing. My best friend
will call or e-mail me the next morning, and I must answer
that call or e-mail before noon-ish, or she begins to worry.
If she doesn’t hear from me by three or so, she’ll call the
police. My activities after dark are curtailed. Unless I am
in a densely-occupied, well-lit space, I won’t go out alone.
Even then, I prefer to have a friend or two, or my dogs,
with me. Do you follow rules like these?
So when you, a stranger, approach me, I have to ask myself:
Will this man rape me?
Do you think I’m overreacting? One in every six American
women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I bet you
don’t think you know any rapists, but consider the sheer
number of rapes that must occur. These rapes are not all
committed by Phillip Garrido, Brian David Mitchell, or other
members of the Brotherhood of Scary Hair and Homemade
Religion. While you may assume that none of the men you know
are rapists, I can assure you that at least one is.
Consider: if every rapist commits an average of ten rapes (a
horrifying number, isn’t it?) then the concentration of
rapists in the population is still a little over one in
sixty. That means four in my graduating class in high
school. One among my coworkers. One in the subway car at
rush hour. Eleven who work out at my gym. How do I know that
you, the nice guy who wants nothing more than companionship
and True Love, are not this rapist?
I don’t.
When you approach me in public, you are Schrödinger’s
Rapist. You may or may not be a man who would commit rape. I
won’t know for sure unless you start sexually assaulting me.
I can’t see inside your head, and I don’t know your
intentions. If you expect me to trust you—to accept you at
face value as a nice sort of guy—you are not only failing to
respect my reasonable caution, you are being cavalier about
my personal safety.
Fortunately, you’re a good guy. We’ve already established
that. Now that you’re aware that there’s a problem, you are
going to go out of your way to fix it, and to make the women
with whom you interact feel as safe as possible.
To begin with, you must accept that I set my own risk
tolerance. When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate
the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is
never 0%. For some women, particularly women who have been
victims of violent assaults, any level of risk is
unacceptable. Those women do not want to be approached, no
matter how nice you are or how much you’d like to date them.
Okay? That’s their right. Don’t get pissy about it. Women
are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before
deciding they are not in the market to buy.
The second important point: you must be aware of what
signals you are sending by your appearance and the
environment. We are going to be paying close attention to
your appearance and behavior and matching those signs to our
idea of a threat.
This means that some men should never approach strange women
in public. Specifically, if you have truly unusual standards
of personal cleanliness, if you are the prophet of your own
religion, or if you have tattoos of gang symbols or
Technicolor cockroaches all over your face and neck, you are
just never going to get a good response approaching a woman
cold. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of solitude,
but I suggest you start with internet dating, where you can
put your unusual traits out there and find a woman who will
appreciate them.
Are you wearing a tee-shirt making a rape joke? NOT A GOOD
CHOICE—not in general, and definitely not when approaching a
strange woman.
Pay attention to the environment. Look around. Are you in a
dark alley? Then probably you ought not approach a woman and
try to strike up a conversation. The same applies if you are
alone with a woman in most public places. If the public
place is a closed area (a subway car, an elevator, a bus),
even a crowded one, you may not realize that the woman’s
ability to flee in case of threat is limited. Ask yourself,
“If I were dangerous, would this woman be safe in this space
with me?” If the answer is no, then it isn’t appropriate to
approach her.
On the other hand, if you are both at church accompanied by
your mothers, who are lifelong best friends, the woman is as
close as it comes to safe. That is to say, still not 100%
safe. But the odds are pretty good.
The third point: Women are communicating all the time. Learn
to understand and respect women’s communication to you.
You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will
she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty,
because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out
the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms
folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb.
So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you
like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a
reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a
threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume
that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm
or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.
If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without
looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but
please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be
“Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize
Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are
a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It
could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my
assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have
to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my
cover.”
On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye
contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner
when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You
can continue the conversation until you start getting
signals to back off.
The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you
label yourself a problem.
There’s a man with whom I went out on a single
date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July
25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about
fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I
e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate
response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable.
Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he
still e-mail?
Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.
This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man
with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of
nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail
has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants
something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual
rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly
Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s
Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty.
Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual
setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as
well.
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re
sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact
trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a
conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a
message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to
be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you
believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her
rights.
For women, who are watching you very closely to determine
how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of
data.
The fifth and last point: Don’t rape. Nor should you commit
these similar but less severe offenses: don’t assault. Don’t
grope. Don’t constrain. Don’t brandish. Don’t expose
yourself. Don’t threaten with physical violence. Don’t
threaten with sexual violence.
Shouldn’t this go without saying? Of course it should.
Sadly, that’s not the world I live in. You may be beginning
to realize that it’s not the world you live in, either.
Miss LonelyHearts wishes you happiness and success in your
search for romantic companionship.